secrets

I'm feeling pretty guilty.

And so I've been spending the last few days beating myself up.

I did something I shouldn't have done.

What's the best way to beat yourself up? Blog about it, so it's out there in the blogosphere and anyone who happens on it can read it and think your just as much of a jerk as you think you are!

My 20 y/o daughter, Nae, told me somethings over the phone that were supposed to be private and I may have "accidentally" told some people.

Ok, I blabbed. I couldn't help it! It was very exciting news! (no. I'm not gonna tell you what it is...but Oh! I'd love to! Believe me I'd really love to...).

I made the mistake of telling my 15 y/o daughter, Mac, who was then hurt that her big sister didn't tell her before telling her mom. I think her exact words were "she told YOU that before ME!....YOU! her MOTHER! before her sister?! (funny how she did use any other adjectives in that sentence....like "lame" or "embarrassing" or "old" but just by the way she said that sentence I felt them all implied! can anyone relate out there? can you?....)

I knew immediately that I screwed up majorly. Why can't we take words back? I know the whole analogy...like trying to put toothpaste back into a toothpaste tube. But I still wish I could. The saddest part is knowing that she will never come to me again with those secrets. Secrets that I just felt I was being allowed in on. Now that she is growing up and appreciating me more as someone she can talk to....and I go and blow it.

Dear Hubby and Mac were teasing me yesterday (which didn't help my horrible guilty feelings and sadness btw). They were saying that I can never keep a secret. So I was racking my brain trying to think of times when I've keep a really good secret. And most of the examples I came up with I can hear myself telling Hubby "okay I'm not supposed to tell you this...." or Lori "this is just between us right?".

Wow! I suck at keeping secrets! If you want anything kept private DON'T TELL ME!

But I will make one statement in my defense. Nae didn't start her secret sharing conversation with her usual "don't tell anyone! not even dad!". So I really didn't think it was all that secret.....ok that's pretty lame, I know.....but I have kept some secrets that she has told me that have started with me swearing that I wouldn't tell anyone (not even dad)....I swear....like the time she told me....Oh! wait....can't tell you that (see how good I am?!)