Sunday, October 4, 2009

My sister Alex


Today I want to tell you about my sister Alex.

I debated talking about her because I don't want to be all sad on my blog. I usually try to keep things pretty cheery around here.

For those of you who don't know, Alex was killed in a car accident 20 years ago this year. She died on June 24th, 1989. She was 16 years old.

Today is my sister's birthday. Some people might say "today would have been my sister's birthday". But today will always be the day of her birth. Just like when people ask if I have any sisters, I don't say "I used to have a sister but I don't anymore". I say "yes, but she died in a car accident". To me, I will always have a sister.

I'd like to tell you about my relationship with my sister because I feel it was pretty unusual. The story may sound pretty crazy but it's true.


I was only 3 years older than Alex so I don't have any memories of her birth. The oldest memory that I have is of me crawling under Alex's crib to be close to her because I had a nightmare. Over the years I had a lot of these nightmares. They were always different but the end was always the same, watching Alex die and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I continued to have these dreams throughout Alex's life time.


Because of these dreams, I had an intense love for Alex. It's hard to describe, but I almost felt as though I appreciated her more. Growing up, people would comment on how close we were. We didn't fight like most sisters.



Our parents divorced when we were pretty young. This only made us closer. Alex and I talked about everything. She knew all my secrets and I knew all hers and we loved each other unconditionally. I knew I could ask her a question and she would always give me an honest answer. No matter what either of us did we were always there for each other.



Alex was very different from me. She was full of personality. She was out going and extremely funny. I always marveled at her quick and funny come backs when she joked with people. She made friends easily and had a lot of them. She was comfortable talking to anyone and everyone.



The summer before her freshman year of high school, the decision was made that she should go live with my dad and step mom, Ann. My brother and I remained with our mother about an hour away. It was a good move for Alex. While living with our mother, we were unsupervised and completely out of control, but my brother and I refused to move. This was really tough on Alex and I and we missed each other terribly. But we saw each other on weekends.




Right around that time, my dad and Ann started attending a church where they heard about Jesus and about having a personal relationship with Him. Alex also started babysitting for a family from that church. Rhonda, the mother, was a wonderful, godly woman for Alex to have in her life. Alex talked to her about things going on at school, situations with friends. And Alex loved their daughter Joslyn.


The end of Alex's sophomore year, one of her friends was killed in a car accident. This had a big impact on Alex and she spent some time talking about this with Rhonda. Alex was thinking about what happen to people after they died. Rhonda explained to Alex about heaven and the gift of eternal life through a relationship with Jesus. Later, Alex would tell me all about this conversation and how she, later that day, prayed to accept Christ as her personal savior.


This was a big moment in our relationship. It was during this time, my freshman year in college, that I got pregnant. I ended up dropping out of school and moving in with my dad and Ann on one condition, I had to go to church with them every week. After long talks with Alex about church and what we believed, I too became a Christian. Alex and I grew even closer during this time. She supported me through the end of the relationship between me and my babies biological father. She shopped with me for baby things. She picked out my daughters name. She was in the delivery room with me.


After my daughter was born, I moved into an apartment across the street from Alex's high school. Alex spent a lot of time with me at that apartment and loved she her niece like crazy.


The night before Alex's accident I had another dream about her dying. This one was very vivid and really shook me up. The day of her accident, Alex had been at a teen seminar for our church. She had come home that afternoon and then headed out to a graduation open house for one of her ex-boyfriends. I was out of town that night about an hour away meeting the family of a guy I was dating.


Alex didn't stay long at the open house because she was tired. Her car went off a dirt road into a ditch less than a mile from the party. She was ejected from the car and the car flipped on landed on top of her. We were told she was killed instantly. A girl headed to the party pasted Alex's car in the ditch and went on to the party to tell them to call 911. All the people at the party ran down to the accident. It was dark and when they got there no one recognized her car. The kids looked in the vehicle and didn't see anyone so they started searching the area. Alex's ex-boyfriend came around the side of the car and saw Alex's leg sticking out and he recognized her shoe. A bunch of the kids lifted the car off Alex. One of the parents was a paramedic and he and another boy from Alex's class performed CPR on her until the helicopter came.



My dad and Ann got the call about Alex's accident from the same kids that called 911. They were able to get to the hospital before the helicopter landed. They watched as Alex was taken out of the helicopter and wheeled into the hospital with a nurse on top of her doing CPR. We were told later that the doctor and nurses were all crying when they decided to stop.

That evening I was at a church function with my boyfriend and at one point I started crying for no reason. I can't explain it but I sobbed. Later, I would find out that this sobbing was at the exact time that Alex was pronounced dead. I got the call from my dad during the middle of the night.
I'm not sure how people can live through the death of someone they love without believing that they will see them again. I truly believe that Alex is in heaven. I also believe that I was given those dreams for a reason. Because our time together was so short, there was no time wasted fighting but instead just an intense love and appreciation for each other. I have no regrets.
About 2 weeks after her accident I had a dream we were in an ice cream store together. In my dream Alex had a heart attack and fell into my arms. I sat on the floor holding her in my arms, crying. A crowd gathered around us and just looked at us. I started screaming at them "why isn't anyone helping me?" and they all just continued to stare at us. Then in the back of the crowd I saw Alex standing there. She was peeking over a tall mans shoulder. She looked me in the eyes and smiled and said "it's okay". Then she waved at me and disappeared. That was the last dream I had of Alex dying. Now when I dream of her, it's dreams of her alive and happy.
And that's the way I want to remember her.




16 comments:

Jessica said...

Tori, I'm on the verge of tears. Thank you so much for sharing that story with us. I know it was hard to write out like that, but I am so glad that you did. It was a beautiful tribute to your sister and the sweet relationship you shared.

It really sounds like you have experienced a powerful healing through it all. I'm so glad the Father was there to comfort and love on you when you needed it most.

Thank you again for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing that Tori. I had heard bits and pieces but never the whole thing. It's so great to know you'll see each other again!

Anonymous said...

I am crying as I write this. I know what a wonderful relationship you two had we will see Alex soon. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called to his purpose. (Rm 8:28)I am so proud of the three of you. Alex was a witness to others of God's grace. Dad

Deborah said...

I am so sorry, I believe you had those dreams for a reason and I am so glad you had a loving relationship with your sister. I have faith you will see her again in Heaven. I am so sad for you and you must miss her terribly. I will pray for you and your family.

mommyto3kiddos said...

Tori, thank you for sharing that. It was beautiful. I had some tears after reading that. HUGS to you today.

rxBambi said...

what a wonderful tribute to your sister. I'm glad you shared that because I haven't told Barb I loved her today...

shortmama said...

I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful and powerful bond that God gave with her sister during the short term she lived in "your" world. Im sure she watches over you every day.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

you are a great woman, friend, and sister, and so very brave to share this part of your heart with your blog world. love ya girl.

Carolyn @ My Backyard Eden said...

That was a beautiful story. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. It really strikes a chord with me because today is also my Dad's birthday, and I lost him way too soon. So glad I wandered over from SITS!

Mrs. Sarcasm said...

Thank you for sharing this part of your past. I send you big hugs and I know that your sister is sending them too. What an amazing sister you are. On my Dad's birthday every year we eat and drink all of his favorites and send up a balloon with notes we wrote on it with a recent picture attatched. We still celebrate him, as he is always with us!

Pam said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your relationship with Alex sounds very special and rare. Happy Birthday to Alex! And hugs for you and your family.

Lucky Girl said...

You WILL see Alex again...

Love you Kiddo,

"Your wanna be big sister"

Travis said...

This sounds so close to what happened to my mom and her sister. Tori, you have my heart this evening. I'll be thinking of you. Very brave post, I know how it feels. Thank you for letting us look into your life behind the blog.

Kerri said...

Tori, I am sorry for the sorrow you experience from the loss of your sister Alex. I will pray for you. But I rejoice knowing that you do not grieve as those who have no hope. You have the hope of glory in Christ. Knowing without a shadow of a doubt that you will be reunited with Alex in heaven. What a gift she is and what a gift she gave to you by sharing with you the gospel message of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And how amazing that only this gift would be the ONE thing that would guarantee you eternal life with Jesus Christ, which in turn would guarantee you will spend eternity in heaven with your beautiful sister, Alex. She's dancing with the angels.

Anonymous said...

memories, good or bad, are still memories. thanks for that, glad I found you, and glad I found that. I still think about that night often, wish I could have been there more for you, an immature 20-something year old. One of my biggest regrets in life....

Stan Adams said...

This is one of those rare times I can say the internet helps tell a special story and express feelings that help emotions come out for a healing heart.