Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Time To Sing Again

I have finally given in.

After years of complaining (my husband and kids), insults (my teens), and embarrassing moments (the list is way to long),

I broke down and scheduled surgery to have my hearing fixed.

I have mentioned my hearing loss in past posts.

I usually talk about the benefits of being deaf in one ear and having a mild to moderate hearing loss in the other.

~not having to wear ear plugs to bed anymore to block out the Hubby's snoring.
~not hearing the trains or loud teens or puppy's ringing bells in the middle of the night.
~the wonderful excuse to use on my teens "I never agreed to that! I must not have heard you correctly!"

When I was diagnosed with Otosclerosis in my mid 20's it didn't really bother me.
I was just having trouble hearing what some people were saying (I thought everyone had suddenly taken up mumbling just to annoy me).

Over the years it has slowly progressed.

I remember asking my ENT doctor how I would know when I was ready for surgery.
He said "You won't but you're family will let you know. Your hearing loss will drive them crazy."

Such wise words.

If I can judge correctly, I'd say my family has been ready for at least 5 years.
But I'm just chicken.

My solution?
Just don't go to the doctor anymore.
See what I mean about chicken?

But there comes a time when it all adds up and you get tired of it.

Tired of not feeling included in conversations.
Tired of your kids rolling their eyes every time they have to repeat what they say two or three times.
Tired of always having to consider where you sit in a lecture or where you stand in a group of people.
Tired of putting a smile on your face when you have no idea what someone just said and in your mind you are going through all the possible things you can say instead of "what?" or "pardon" or "sorry, I didn't hear you" (it gets really old).

I guess what I'm saying is the bad is finally outweighing the good.

There are things that have also "snuck up" on me, you could say.
Things that had changed over time that I didn't really notice.

A big one is being able to hear my own voice.
It's difficult to explain (and I could be explaining it completely wrong) but I think it is because I can no longer hear my voice through my ears effectively so mostly, I hear myself in my head (no, I'm not hearing voices in my head-I know what you're thinking).

I guess the best way to put it is, that I don't sound like myself.

I think that is why I have slowly stopped singing.
I used to love to sing.
In choirs, in church, in the car while listening to the radio.

But I feel like I don't trust what I sound like
and what I do hear, I don't like.

I will be having my stapes bone removed and a prosthetic device implanted on December 1st.
And the first thing I look forward to doing is singing again.