The first day of the rest of my life....well, maybe

I may have mentioned just a few times how I struggle with ADD.

okay, more than just a few times.

Usually I talk about my ADD while making fun of myself.

Or how it has affected how I handle a situation.

Most of the time I can find humor in it.

But I've noticed (and my family has too) as I get older it's getting harder to deal with and not so funny any more.

I wasn't officially diagnosed with ADD until my oldest son Bud was diagnosed.

I was around 32 (I think).

I had never considered that I might have something like that (did we even have that diagnosis when we were kids?).

Up until that point, I had struggled through school, I was unorganized, forgetful, a horrible reader.

I figured that I was just stupid.

When I heard the doctors describe what ADD was and how it affected Bud, I started to notice similarities in the way I had struggled and was continuing to struggle.

I ended up going to a specialist and getting tested and diagnosed.

My doctor put me on Ritalin.

It was like a miracle drug to me.

For the first time in my life, I read a whole book.

Actually, that's when I fell in love with reading.

I read constantly trying to make up for so much lost time.

I noticed I was more organized and able to finish tasks.

I didn't forget things so often.

But I hated the way the drugs made me feel.

This was right around the time that we were going through another major relocation for The Hubby's job.

I let my prescription run out.

Didn't ask my new doctor for any more.

I learned some new coping mechanisms.

And have been getting along "okay" since then.

Well, those coping mechanisms aren't working so well anymore.

I think it has something to do with getting older (oh joy!).

So I broke down and went to the doctor and asked her about getting on some meds again.

She wanted me to be retested to help choose a medication that is right for my symptoms.

Turns out the severity of my ADD is off the charts....hmmm. that explains a lot!

So today I start on my new medication.

I'm excited to see how these new meds work for me.

I'm excited to be able to concentrate for more than 10 minutes on one thing.

I'm excited to not forget to pick my kids up from school anymore.

I'm excited to see if I can get a little more creative.

Don't worry, I'm sure there will still be lots of blog posts about how I screw things up, look at things a little off and make lots of mistakes parenting.

I'm not expecting miracles here.

If I tell you my weight I may have to kill you

I finally went and got my Illinois drivers license yesterday.

I have obviously been procrastinating. I couldn't anymore.

When I went to Florida with my friend Gigi last month, I got stopped by security because my Michigan drivers license had expired. I hadn't realized it. The nice security guy let me go, but not before letting me hear all about how nice it was of him to do such a thing.

I've only lived in three states, but every Secretary of State office seems the same to me. It's there some kind of law that says the office has to be a dirty, smelly, dreary place. Same thin brown "carpets", same looking counters with the same tired, frustrated, sad looking people sitting behind them.


The woman who waited on me was faded. That seems the best way to describe her. Her hair was a dull dirty blonde, still styled with an 80's poof of bangs. Her posture implied that her job was draining the life out of her. Weary and slumped, she asked me in a monotone voice the questions she must ask hundreds of times a day. I was in a bit of a hurry so I rattled the answers off rather quickly. It was like a tennis match. She lobbed over a question is her tiresome voice. I'd return an answer swiftly.

Back and forth, back and forth we went.

When she asked me my phone number I had to pause for just a second to recall our new home phone number. I never use it (and you know how I am with numbers).

I have a habit of looking at the ceiling when thinking about something, but I pulled the phone number out of my sad little number disabled brain as quickly as I could. The next listless question was tossed at me before I had time to take my eyes off the water stained ceiling tiles that my ADD mind was just finding interesting (they looked like chocolate chip cookies). She was obviously pushing to keep up the speed of the volley. The next question was the Hubs social security number. I actually know his better than mine own but I was still looking up while I rattled it off along with the next couple of questions.

Just as I'm getting my end of the volley back up to speed she slams me with a question I didn't expect. "Your weight please?" This time my pause has nothing to do with not being able to recall the answer. I see that weight on the scale every morning. I just don't want to tell her. I'm not even sure why I don't want to tell her. Maybe I just don't want to say it out loud. If I say it out loud then it becomes real. Like that whole tree falling in the forest saying....

I WAS planning on loosing some weight soon. I don't want THIS weight in my permanent computer file record thingie! I just had a little too much Halloween candy. If I'd known I'd have this in my permanent record, I'd have procrastinated even longer, till I was at my ideal weight (which means I never would get my license).

I could lie....and now I'm having a moral dilemma here. Can a cop give you an extra ticket when he pulls you over for lying about your weight on your drivers license?

Yes these are all the things going through my mind in a very quick few seconds. And I'm still looking at the ceiling....

So I shout out a weight.
Not my real weight (NO I'm not telling you what I told her!)
Yes I lied. And I feel bad.

And she pauses. And pauses. My mind is waiting for the next question. And it doesn't come. And I'm feeling guilty about lying. I peel my eyes off the ceiling and reluctantly look at her.

And she is looking at me. She is looking right into my eyes. Into my soul.
She knows I lied. I can feel it. She is judging me. I can feel that too.

I'm starting to blush. I'm waiting for her to say "Oh come on!!! ___ pounds? Really?"
I'm starting to think of excuses. Like ~well, that's what I usually weigh (before 4 kids, that is)
or ~I'm just retaining water.

I'm starting to sweat.

And she says in her monotone voice "Eye color: Brown.

on being an ADD blogger...

This blogging thing and ADD, I'm not so sure they go together.

To blog is not only about writing fantastic posts (ummm, or at least attempting to), it's also about reading other bloggie friends posts, showing bloggie love (ie. thoughtful comments), returning e-mails to bloggie friends, and exploring and finding new bloggie friends.

All of this can be very time consuming. For those of us with ADD, it can swallow your whole day (without you even realizing it)!

Here's a little view into how my brain operates while trying to do bloggie related activities yesterday. When I say "Me" what I'm really talking about is my conscious intentions. When I say "My ADD" -well, that is that part of my brain I seem to have very little control of.

Me: I'm gonna check my e-mail and see if I have an comments on my post from yesterday

in the process of logging in the puppy pees on the floor

Me: CRAP!

clean up pee and uselessly take puppy outside (he has already done what he needed to do)

Me: looking at my computer screen Now what was I gonna do?

My ADD: Let's read some blogs!

Me: Oh yeah! That was it.

clicks on blog reading list

Me: let's start from the top shall we?....Oh look! rxBambi has a new post!

My ADD: Ooo!Ooo!Oooo! Look at the pretty pictures of flowers Tootsie posted! Let's skip rxBambi and go back to her later!

clicks on Tootsie's blog

Me: Wow! Look at the stuff she has in her green house. Man, I think I kinda hate her a little... (not really Tootsie)

My ADD: hey!hey!hey! she has a Mister Linky Widget thingie! Let's take a quick peek at a couple of these and see....Whoa! Thoughtfully Blended Hearts....that's sounds like a nice place to visit.

clicks on the link

Me: This is a nice place, pretty flowers.....

My ADD: Ooo!Ooo!Oooo! lookie at that picture! It's kinda sparklely!

2 hours later and after 20 million clicks on links and pictures and brightly colored words....

Me: {{Dazed and Confused}}Where am I? Whose blog am I reading? How did I end up here? What time is it?

My ADD: No! Wait! Look at that! There's Otin on her reading list too! He must be good, it's like the third time I've seen him mentioned today and rxBambi reads him too....

Me: rxBambi! ugghh I forgot rxBambi!

clicks back to my dashboard so I can go to rxBambi's blog

My ADD: Ooo!Ooo!Oooo! We have a new follower! Let's just peek and see who it is....

Things my children witnessed on the Metra

I'm thinking this could become an ongoing list....

I could place it somewhere on my blog and add to it every time they see something their sweet, innocent, Kalamazoo sheltered, little eyes have never seen before...

Yesterday, Tony and I, took a train ride into the city to pick up one of his friends from Kalamazoo. His friends name is Max, and his family was vacationing in the city last week and agreed to let him come visit us for a while. Tony is so excited, he's almost giddy.

After we got on the train, and I paid for our tickets, Tony decided he was too cool to be sitting by his old, embarrassing mom. He moved down to the end of the car (still within eye shot of my protective "mom eyes") and pretended to be a "big kid, all alone, just headin into to Chi-town, meetin up with his buds, to get into some trouble" as any normal thirteen year old would do.

I had my book that I was reading, but with all the interesting people getting on and off the train (and my ADD), reading is very difficult. Pretty soon I notice this old man get on the train. He had to be in his 70's. He had on a white "wife beater" t-shirt and a pair of HOT PINK shorts that were rolled up nice and high to show off his very attractive, old hairy, bony kneecapped, legs. The ensemble was completed by a pair of black socks pulled half way up his shins and a pair of old black dress shoes. Oh! and I almost forgot the handbag he was carrying. Someone needs to tell him how to coordinate handbags....cuz he was not doing a good job!

So he sits there smilin a great big smile (I'm sure he's thinking everyone is gawking at him because he is lookin pretty fine today!). He stayed on the train for maybe one or two stops and then got off.

That's when I hear giggling....lots of uncontrollable giggling...
I look back at Tony and there is a big huge black guy sitting between us. Tony and the big guy are looking at each other laughing. I say to them "I know what you boys are laughing at! You'd better stop that right now or I'll come over there...!" I said it just to be smart, but the big guy looks at me like he's a tot who just got scolded by his mama for stealin a cookie or something and he stops giggling. I didn't expect that result so I smile and then they both start laughing again.

After Max got on the train I learned this after listening to Tony tell the story...

Things my sweet baby has seen on the Metra
1. An old cross dressing man in hot pink shorts
2. A drunk man holding a beer can who fell asleep and missed his stop
3. A coyote
4. A young couple making out like he has never witnessed before
5. A hobo
6. and that if you sit on the top tier, you can see down the tops of the girls sitting at the bottom (ok I actually noticed that one...and am not letting any of the men in my life sit up there anymore).

have a great day!

Cavalia! and two ADD girls in the big city

Yesterday my friend, Pam came from kzoo so we could go into the city and see Cavalia.

I was really excited for a few reasons.....#1, I love Pam.....#2, this is the first time I would be using the Metra to get into the city.....and #3, we were gonna see Cavalia!

Most of you probably never heard of Cavalia. I probably never would have if I didn't drive by all the huge billboards advertising it on the Chicago bypasses.

It's a little hard to explain....the producers call it a "poem written in the language of sound" to "pay homage to the poignant history and fascinating bond between human beings and horses".....it was written by one of those artsy Cirque du Soleil guys....so you get the picture.

I'm not a huge horse person but I do appreciate their power and beauty and Pam breeds and sells some of the most beautiful horses I've ever seen (that's her website there--check it out--its breath taking).

But I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself...

I need to begin with our train ride.

Because this was my first time using the Metra to get into the city I was a little nervous. I didn't want to screw it up... or get us lost.... or end up in Wisconsin....

We only had like 5 hours till the show....I wanted to spend the day before "practicing" riding the Metra....my husband said that was just silly....and I guess it was...but that's just the way I am.

We found our way to the station (through a construction detour-otherwise it's only a little under 2 miles from my house). We parked our car and talked to a couple people about the pay system for the parking lot and then we were ready to board.

The ride in was pretty uneventful except for the 10 college students sitting across from us who were on their way to a Sox's game. A few of them brought these coolers filled with beer and whiskey and proceeded to use the 45 minute trip in to get as drunk as they could-as fast as they could....

We ended up at the Olgivie Transportation Center....ok, the hubby was right, it wasn't rocket science....and exited our train with the deluge of people.

Deluges of people and big transportation centers are not a good mix for 2 girls with ADD. Pam and I were swept along in the current of fast moving passengers, all the while our heads spinning to try to take in everything....."oh look a haircut place!"...."a shoe store?"...."pedicures!"....."Thai food"....."oooo escalators!"

Pretty soon we where outside on the sidewalk surrounded by tall buildings and we realized....we have no idea where we are, or more importantly, what we are going to do. We were so focused on the Metra and parking and chit-chatting and making fun of the drunk guys on the train that we never really discussed what we wanted to do when we got in the city.

So Pam pulls out a map....lets figure out where we are first....I can't even tell which direction Lake Michigan is with all the tall buildings....and that's kinda how I usually get oriented in Chicago.....big lake here....magnificent mile there....I'm good to go!

We look at the map for a good 5 minutes and we can't even find the street we are on (do you realize how embarrassing this is to write in my blog for all to see?)

So the next thing I know Pam is grabbing this innocent guy walking by. I'm not ready to ask for directions and admit defeat....not to mention the fact we still haven't figured out where we even want to go! "Excuse me, where are we?" Pam asks sweetly. The guy looks at us and smiles "Chicago" he says with a little laugh. We both giggle awkwardly. "Where do you want to go?" he asks. Pam and I look at each other...."ummm, we aren't sure" Pam says. Right at that moment I don't think I can feel any more stupid....(but I'm pretty sure I do right now sharing this story with everyone). "You can probably tell we aren't from around here" Pam says jokingly..... So there's another awkward set of giggles....and a perplexed look on the guys face and I'm sure that he is thinking we are a set of fruitcakes. Pam says "well, how about you just tell us where the magnificent mile is and the west loop." With big arm gestures he says "the mile is that way" and then swinging his arm in opposite direction "and the loop that way". "Is it too far too walk?" asks Pam. And the guy starts in on a spiel about "grabbing the Blue Line". As he's talking, Pam and I have both used our ADD superpowers to tune him out. Then I notice Pam turning her head and looking up in the air. I realize what she is thinking (us ADD people think a lot alike)...."Pam, he's talking about a bus" I say. "Ohhh" she says "I thought he was talking about that "L" thing".

Now I can see that this guy just wants to get away from us....."Ok. yeah. we'll grab the blue line thanks for all your help" I say taking Pam's arm walking....to where, I don't even know.....just away from this guy and our humiliation.

As we walk we quickly decide to just go to where Cavalia is playing. We'll check it out and then find a restaurant. I've looked at the location for Cavalia on a map at home.... now we just need to find a bus stop and figure out where to get on the blue line. We walk just down the block to one of the glass bus booths and go in to look at the map. The problem is that it's been in the sun for so long that all the colors are faded. There are three lines that look the same bluish-green. Pam and I are standing there debating color hues when this girl comes up and takes pity on us. "Where do you want to go?" she asks. "Racine and W. Jackson" I say as a bus is pulling up. "I'll help you, but you need to get on this bus right now" she says as she is walking towards the opening bus doors. Pam and I look at each other and nod as we head toward the bus. It's all happening so fast...."how much does the bus cost?" I say...."two dollars" the girl answers.....Pam and I are stepping inside while fumbling through our purses.....We look at the money taking machine thingie....I see all I have is a $20....Pam asks at the same time as the bus doors close and we start moving, "can we get change?"......the big black woman driving the bus says in a stern voice "don't make no change on the buses"......I'm thinking 'how do we get out of here'.....we are driving down the street and having a hard time keeping our balance while continuing to dig through our purses....I look up at a bus full of people and reconsider my earilier conclusion that I couldn't feel any more stupid....we sit down so we can find some cash....Pam finds a five dollar bill and I stagger up and slide it into the machine.

Pam and I sit there for a moment. My head is spinning again. The girl starts talking about which way we go when we get off the bus....she also waves her arms around in big gesture while telling us which way to walk....that must be a Chicago thing I think. Then Pam asks "but how will we know when to get off the bus?" The girl smiles and says I'll let you know....and I think to myself 'I will not blog about this'....

We get off at the same stop as the girl who helped us and we thank her profusely. We find our way to the Cavalia location and find a little restaurant and have dinner. It feels good to sit and relax.....

I think that this blog is long enough and embarrassing enough for today....I will continue tomorrow with my tales of Cavalia and the place we went to afterwards (which that story could be a couple more blogs in itself).

I'm a super cool mom...yeah I am

Yesterday, while I was sitting in church, besides being distracted by the overall hugeness of the church.....and the ridiculously good looking people on stage.....and the tot kicking the back of my chair to some unknown rhythm.....and the funny light that showed up on the video screen on the right but not the one on the left.....and the guy in front of me with the really cool corn rows......I noticed the little girl sitting next to me (yeah! welcome to my ADD world).



She made my ADD mind come to a whirling, screeching, grinding stop.



Actually she was sitting on the other side of her mother, who was sitting beside me. She was so gosh darn cute, but that wasn't what drew me to watch her and tune out the pastor (sorry Jesus.)

It was the loving way she looked at her mother. I think you mom's out there know what I mean. It was that look like "My mom is super woman....she's the coolest....she can do it all.....I want to be just like her when I grow up...."



Little girls look at their moms like this for a VERY short period of time. I can't remember the exact age but I do remember Nae and Mac looking at me like this (Note to Nae and/or Mac if you are reading this and you think "OMGosh I NEVER looked/thought of you that way! You are crazy! What were you smoking?----Please don't tell me. Let me have my sweet memories---even if I was hallucinating. thank you.)



Seeing that look on her face brought back a couple memories of my girls.....they had that same loving, adoring, "you rock mom!" look on their faces. I realize now how I didn't appreciate those looks. They were gone in the blink of an eye.



Now these are the kind of looks I get....especially when I break out my camera









Moooommmm! do you have to do that?

I usually tell them that if they don't smile nice then I'm putting this one on the Christmas card.

Then I get this half baked smile.....


But now I can say "if you don't humor me....I'll blog about you and post this picture!!!" Yeah, that should work from now on.....

4th of july relaxation

We had our first visitors to our new home this weekend, and I was a little worried (but I worry about everything...another one of my "quirky" personality traits....yeah, we'll call it that...)

My reason for worrying? I'm almost embarrassed to tell you....

You probably all think I'm a weirdo as it is....with my obsessive orderliness, cleanliness, ADD, procrastination...ect. ect.

Ahhhh, but what the heck, I'm sure you have your issue too....right? come on fess up....

So anyways, I was worried that my new home wasn't "homie" enough.

Stop laughing (or shaking your head or whatever you're doing to judge me) It's true! There are all these boxes still, and we are waiting for our new furniture to arrive so we don't have a lot of seating, and the white walls....they are everywhere! Oh, I could go on and on.

But for Bret and Kaitlyn it didn't seem to bother them....

Or Bret and Nick.....

A couple more photos to share of our weekend.

My man and a nail gun....nothing is better than this.

except maybe "shelves in the garage! oh happy days!" (a little Jane Austen reference for you this morning in case you didn't know (except its closet not garage but who cares!))