A Time To Sing Again

I have finally given in.

After years of complaining (my husband and kids), insults (my teens), and embarrassing moments (the list is way to long),

I broke down and scheduled surgery to have my hearing fixed.

I have mentioned my hearing loss in past posts.

I usually talk about the benefits of being deaf in one ear and having a mild to moderate hearing loss in the other.

~not having to wear ear plugs to bed anymore to block out the Hubby's snoring.

~not hearing the trains or loud teens or puppy's ringing bells in the middle of the night.

~the wonderful excuse to use on my teens "I never agreed to that! I must not have heard you correctly!"

When I was diagnosed with Otosclerosis in my mid 20's it didn't really bother me.

I was just having trouble hearing what some people were saying (I thought everyone had suddenly taken up mumbling just to annoy me).

Over the years it has slowly progressed.

I remember asking my ENT doctor how I would know when I was ready for surgery.

He said "You won't but you're family will let you know. Your hearing loss will drive them crazy."

Such wise words.

If I can judge correctly, I'd say my family has been ready for at least 5 years.

But I'm just chicken.

My solution?

Just don't go to the doctor anymore.

See what I mean about chicken?

But there comes a time when it all adds up and you get tired of it.

Tired of not feeling included in conversations.

Tired of your kids rolling their eyes every time they have to repeat what they say two or three times.

Tired of always having to consider where you sit in a lecture or where you stand in a group of people.

Tired of putting a smile on your face when you have no idea what someone just said and in your mind you are going through all the possible things you can say instead of "what?" or "pardon" or "sorry, I didn't hear you" (it gets really old).

I guess what I'm saying is the bad is finally outweighing the good.

There are things that have also "snuck up" on me, you could say.

Things that had changed over time that I didn't really notice.

A big one is being able to hear my own voice.

It's difficult to explain (and I could be explaining it completely wrong) but I think it is because I can no longer hear my voice through my ears effectively so mostly, I hear myself in my head (no, I'm not hearing voices in my head-I know what you're thinking).

I guess the best way to put it is, that I don't sound like myself.

I think that is why I have slowly stopped singing.

I used to love to sing.

In choirs, in church, in the car while listening to the radio.

But I feel like I don't trust what I sound like

and what I do hear, I don't like.

I will be having my stapes bone removed and a prosthetic device implanted on December 1st.

And the first thing I look forward to doing is singing again.

The first day of the rest of my life....well, maybe

I may have mentioned just a few times how I struggle with ADD.

okay, more than just a few times.

Usually I talk about my ADD while making fun of myself.

Or how it has affected how I handle a situation.

Most of the time I can find humor in it.

But I've noticed (and my family has too) as I get older it's getting harder to deal with and not so funny any more.

I wasn't officially diagnosed with ADD until my oldest son Bud was diagnosed.

I was around 32 (I think).

I had never considered that I might have something like that (did we even have that diagnosis when we were kids?).

Up until that point, I had struggled through school, I was unorganized, forgetful, a horrible reader.

I figured that I was just stupid.

When I heard the doctors describe what ADD was and how it affected Bud, I started to notice similarities in the way I had struggled and was continuing to struggle.

I ended up going to a specialist and getting tested and diagnosed.

My doctor put me on Ritalin.

It was like a miracle drug to me.

For the first time in my life, I read a whole book.

Actually, that's when I fell in love with reading.

I read constantly trying to make up for so much lost time.

I noticed I was more organized and able to finish tasks.

I didn't forget things so often.

But I hated the way the drugs made me feel.

This was right around the time that we were going through another major relocation for The Hubby's job.

I let my prescription run out.

Didn't ask my new doctor for any more.

I learned some new coping mechanisms.

And have been getting along "okay" since then.

Well, those coping mechanisms aren't working so well anymore.

I think it has something to do with getting older (oh joy!).

So I broke down and went to the doctor and asked her about getting on some meds again.

She wanted me to be retested to help choose a medication that is right for my symptoms.

Turns out the severity of my ADD is off the charts....hmmm. that explains a lot!

So today I start on my new medication.

I'm excited to see how these new meds work for me.

I'm excited to be able to concentrate for more than 10 minutes on one thing.

I'm excited to not forget to pick my kids up from school anymore.

I'm excited to see if I can get a little more creative.

Don't worry, I'm sure there will still be lots of blog posts about how I screw things up, look at things a little off and make lots of mistakes parenting.

I'm not expecting miracles here.

It's been a long three weeks

I obviously haven't blogged in a while.

Honestly, I couldn't concentrate to write.

Not to go into a bunch of boring details, but I've spent the last three weeks seeing a few different doctors and having and some tests done.

And waiting. Lots of waiting.

Oh.... and freaking out too! Thanks to talk of cancer by a couple of doctors.

But after lots of poking, prodding, x-raying, scoping, and CTing, the oncologist finally said no cancer-- just some weird allergy thingie.

Even though I'm a nurse by training, I truly underestimated the word "cancer". How even the prospect of it becoming part of your reality can throw your life into a tail spin.

It's amazing what the mind will do when it hears that word.

All the "what if's" enter your head, elbowing their way to the front of your mind. They compete for space forcing out any other thoughts, making it difficult to think straight.

The aches and pains of the past are recalled. They pull an "Arnold Horshack", raising their hand for attention shouting "Ooooohhhhh! Oooohhhhh! Oooohhhhh!" thinking they might be included in the strange list of symptoms.

And let's not forget "Fear". No matter how hard you try to keep him locked in that little room at the back of your mind, he still breaks free- tapping you on the shoulder when you least expect it and whispering "boo..." just to get your heart racing.

Of course, not all the stuff bouncing around in my head was bad.

Life is brought back into perspective.

The priority list is reconsidered, edited, revised.

Faith, family, friends, love....

A new appreciation for the little things is born.

I'm off to walk with Ace and look for the budding signs of spring.

I hope you take a second and look for it today too.

Happy Birthday to ME!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Last night I had a dream.

My body parts were all discussing who had it the toughest over these past 40 years.

My feet were the first to complain (they ALWAYS are)

and for some reason they sound like a little old Jewish man...

"Oi Vay! I'm dying here! Did you see those purple pointed things she crammed me into over the weekend? What a Yonkel!"

My back (who sounds a New York cabbie) interrupted

"Give me a ******* break!" (I'm always having to censor him)"You have no idea what real pain is! And what? you complain a little and she puts you up....babies you....rubs your sorry butt! What does she do to help me? Nada! that's what! She just keeps goin..."

Then my hands chime in "Darlings....(they sounds like Zsa Zsa Gabor)

soundoflife.net

no one works like me! I should be pampered! Manicures...expensive lotions...rings on every finger! But NO! I don't even get rubber gloves when she cleans! Everyone sees me and now *gasp*! Age spots! Makes me what to slap her!

My uterus tries to put in her two cents "ahem"....it's hard to tell what she even sounds like because everyone shouts in unison "Oh just shut up!" My uterus tends to be a little whiny and no one likes a whiner!

Then my brain (who sounds like....well, it sounds like Me! Duh!) "you guys need to simmer down! At least you guys get a break when she sleeps for 7 or 8 hours! I'm like the Energizer Bunny or Rodney Dangerfield or whoever! I never get a break! Look at me now! Even dreaming I have to keep the peace! And HELLO!?! How bout a little ADD medicine here? You think I like living like this? Geez...."

It went on and on all night long. My internal organs put in a few thoughts about exercise and eating healthier....but I ignored them.

Eventually my brain and I decided to just pretend I'm turning 29 today.....

my diet yo-yoing tale

Once upon a time there was an accomplished yo-yo performer.

She and her hubby (who was not a yo-yo performer but did it just for "fun" once and a while) lived in a quiet little suburb with their 4 kids.

The accomplished yo-yo performer (I'll call her Duncan) didn't intend on being a yo-yoer. She just kinda fell into it. It all began back in college, when Duncan was a freshman, and she learned her first trick called the sleeper.

As seen here.

www.yoyoing.com/beginner/entry2.php?tid=128

Duncan learned that she could throw her yo-yo down and keep it there for what seemed like forever. And it was great. Everyone complimented her on her yo-yo trick. And she felt good.
Little did she know this would be the beginning a life time of yo-yoing.

Yo-yoing was pretty easy when she was in her 20's. She didn't have to put much time or practice into it. She learned some new tricks to add to her performance. Once she got her yo-yo to stay down she could "walk the dog"

entertainment.howstuffworks.com/easy-yo-yo-tr...

once she figured she could handle a dog , she learned "rock the baby".

yoyowiki.org/wiki/Rock_the_Baby

Actually the babies came before the dogs but that's another tale all together
Life was pretty full and hectic with dogs and babies and she quit worrying about her yo-yoing and put it away for a while.

But soon Duncan started to miss performing. She missed the applause. She missed feeling good about herself. She didn't really want to do the yo-yo thing again but it was all that she knew. So Duncan got out her yo-yo again.

When she tried to throw her yo-yo down into a "sleeper", it just popped right back up. She tried again. The same thing! She couldn't get her yo-yo to stay down.

She decided that maybe she needed some help. She tried going to a place where there were other people struggling with yo-yoing. But that just made her feel guilty because it costs money and she really hated it. She read everything she could about yo-yoing. Sometimes certain things worked and she could keep her yo-yo down for a short period of time but then it always came back up. She noticed that it took more and more effort to throw it down, and when it came back up it almost knocked off her feet. Duncan was incredibly discouraged

.

The worst part was that she felt like everyone was watching, waiting for her to perform. Especially her hubby. Would he still love her if she couldn't be good at this yo-yo thing anymore? Whenever he decided to give the yo-yo a try he did it with ease. He would say "look honey, I just threw it down with no problem on the first try!" This only discouraged her more (and made her hate him a little. She had dreams of trying the slipknot from her yo-yo around his neck...sorry).

So for now, Duncan is thinking about giving up on yo-yo performing and trying something new.

If this was a real fairytale she could lose weight by blogging.

Don't you forget about me....

I've been doing a lot of reminiscing lately about high school...

Maybe it's facebook and catching up with all these people that I haven't been in contact with in over 20 years.

Maybe it's because of my 40th birthday is looming right around the corner....can you say midlife crisis?

Maybe it's because my kids are at an age that I remember so well....and that is frightening in it's self.

Then I heard that John Hughes died this week. Talk about getting all nostalgic.
For better or worse John Hughes' movies shaped my teenage years.

He wrote and directed movies like Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Pretty in Pink, and many others. In the 80's these movies that were written from a teenagers point of view were pretty right on (well, maybe not Ferris Bueller's Day Off--that one was a little out there). Each movie a little bit of something that we could all relate to.

In Sixteen Candles I could relate to the character Samantha. Feeling awkward (didn't we all when we were teens?). Feeling misunderstood by my family and sometimes completely ignored (how I longed for a Brady Bunch moment when I would go to my room upset and my parents would come in and we could talk it out and have a happy ending in 30 minutes).Or the unrequited crush on the guy who didn't even know you existed. I even had an eerily similar incident as Sam when my grandmother "assessed" my "development" and discuss it loudly in front of all the extended family at Thanksgiving....oh! the horror! Of course Hughes movies had things that were over the top....like the exchange student Long Duk Dong....or the geek, Ted, being trapped in the coffee table all night. But that's part of what made them so fun to watch.

I didn't really care for the movie Pretty in Pink. I was crazy in love with Andrew McCarthy and hated his character in the movie. I actually rooted through out the movie for the main character Andie to end up with the geek Dukie Dale. He was head over heels in love with her the whole movie and so sweet, then gives her up at the end. Yuck. But the movie did a pretty good job showing how our friends and peers influence the choices we make.

The Breakfast Club, with a group of kids from different cliques in Saturday detention, taught us that we all have our insecurities and not so perfect home lives and how we all just want to fit in. That there is always more going on than what people see on the outside. It was all taught with humor, outrageous scenes and good music (or at least I thought so at the time).

Of course a lot of Hughes' movies were just plain silly, like Vacation, Home Alone, Weird Science, and Uncle Buck. I didn't realize all the movies he had either written or produced until I googled him after he died.

Too bad he's not around to make some coming-of-age movies for my up coming midlife crisis.

How about a movie about a 40ish mom who can't sleep because of her hormones going crazy? Or the trials and tribulations of dealing with multiple teenagers...there could be a lot of humor behind that. The struggles with wrinkles and gravity. Fading eyesight and memory. There could be a scene with some cool music going on when she has one of her hot flashes?

I'm sure more funny movies would have come from him if he hadn't died so young. Thanks Mr. Hughes for all the 80's memories and laughs.

get your hands off my facebook!

I have this on-going argument with my 4 kids.

Actually, I have quite a few, but I don't want to bore you.

We argue about proper facebook etiquette.

Apparently, listed in the areas that I'm "embarrassing" as the mother of teenagers, my facebook usage is right at the top....don't worry....I'm used to being the cause of blushes and rolling eyes....of being flat out told "OMGosh Mom! will you please just stop!"....it doesn't hurt my feeling anymore....sniff, sniff, sob....NOT!

See, Nae (my college senior) argues with me that facebook was originally developed for her age group...college kids-to keep in touch (yeah,I know that, so what?) and that now all these old people are getting in on it. And we use it all wrong!

My other kids agree, apparently they think that all the commenting we do on each others posts is silly (not their word but mine- of course). Or the conversations we have on each others "walls" is not right. Oh! and saying what we are doing in our status and leaving it up.....the list goes on and on.....

If you ask me (and you're here reading my blog, so....) facebook is so much more useful to us "old" people. I've been in touch with people I haven't seen or talked to in 20+ years....my kids, on the other hand, are checking up on people they saw in school or at the mall 2 hours ago.

Facebook has been great, no only for reconnecting to those people I haven't seen in forever but also for easing the pain of relocating. Seeing the faces and "on goings" of my friends back home makes me feel a little less lonely for them as compared to past moves I experienced.

I can only imagine how great facebook would have been during those days when my kids were tots and I felt like a prisoner in my own home...

I do have my own personal "rules of facebook decorum".

Here's a few.

#1. I don't friend request my kids friends ( I do enjoy embarrassing my kids on purpose once and a while {don't tell them that, I'll deny it...yes I will!} but I can just imagine the fall out...."Mom my friends want to know why you are friend requesting them...are you trying to kill me? Please stop!"). I do have a few of my kids friends, but they requested me....I'll admit, when I get that request I feel "oh so cool"....they like me....they must really like me!.....actually it's probably for other reasons (see #3).

#2 I don't facebook stalk my kids...that's a lie...I do and it's SOOO fun!....sorry, I'm being embarrassing. I'll stop now.

#3 I don't friend request people just to get a really high number of friends...I have a feeling I've been requested for that reason by others (see #1)....but that's ok.

#4 I don't publish every single thing I do....some stuff-- if people wanna see it they'll find it in my profile eventually. I think of fb as my own personal area to decorate....since my husband won't let me at home (but that's a whole other blog post).

Don't get me wrong, I think facebook is great for my kids too (most of the time)...ok wait....reconsidering that....

Facebook is good for the kids headed off to college to stay in touch. I'm not very convinced it is beneficial to my middle/high school kids. I think they probably see more junk than is helpful.

Maybe my kids need to be a little more grateful that I've even allowed them to have a facebook page! Yeah! And if their gonna keep insulting me on how I use my facebook maybe I'll just take theirs away! Yeah! I have the power....yes I do...

What I'd like is for us to all live in facebook harmony. You use your facebook however you want and I'll use my facebook however I want. An "old, embarrassing, totally uncool" mom can dream (can't she?).

rainbows and kittens...i swear!

Good morning!!!! Thanks for checking in today.....

Have I told you that I think you're wonderful?
I'm not trying to suck up....really....I think you are!
Have a great day! Here's rainbow that was in my backyard yesterday!



I thought I'd give you something sweet and lovely to look at.....cuz this morning I just want to complain......just for a minute.....I promise.

Ughhhh! I can't sleep!

Blast! this getting old stuff!

I got about 3 hours last night.....!

The worst part is I have a big night planned tonight.....taking the train into the city with a girlfriend....lots of exploring....food....a show....more food....planning on closing the place down....well at least staying as late as the last Metra.

And I'm exhausted already.....

Every night it's the same thing.

I crawl into bed dog tired, tuckered out, outta gas, bushed, spent.....you get the idea....and then I lay there....wide awake for at least an hour.

Then I wake up in the middle of the night because of something.....may be a train....or one of my cats jumping on my head....or Hubby's dream where he is falling and suddenly jerks awake (Dog gone it! I hate that!...then he falls immediately back to sleep while I lay there!)....

And I lay there.....and I lay there....and it takes me over an hour to fall asleep again!

I've tried all sorts of things.

relaxation techniques.....sitting in the hot tub.....reading.....not reading....emptying my mind (ha! that's a good one for someone with ADD!) ....drugs.....

Nothing works.

So I've just resigned myself to this is the way it is....for however long....

Thanks for listening.....here's a cute kitty picture (I don't have any puppy pictures)

Ahhhh....look how cute he is sleeping (I'm just a little jealous)......

Have a super terrific day!

living happily in the now

I was out with my 15 y/o daughter, Mac, shopping the other day. She was looking for a gift for one of her friends back in kzoo....that would be Joe....who, btw, still owes me for the window he broke at our condo because he was trying to get in to our home by throwing "pebbles"....teenage boys....not real "thinkers".

Mac was dying to show me this really cool store in our little town.

Kind of a hippie kinda place.....a vinyl record store mainly (I'm surprised Mac even knows what a record is).....you could buy 33's, 45's, or LP's (and others I'm sure)....they had a nice selection of t-shirts, posters (fuzzy ones too....?), incense (hmmm), jewelry, lighters (just for the incense I'm sure!), ect....and they also had lots of CD's, DVD's too.

I had a great time looking through their selection of music and was surprised they had such variety. I'm an alternative kinda gal and saw they had lots of my favorite groups. I was also shocked by some of the prices for the collector albums....probably because I know nothing about this area....but hundreds of dollars for a Pink Floyd album?....which I swear I have at home! (excuse me while I dig thru some boxes)....

Mac made her selection....a Bob Marley poster....which the guy behind the counter seemed impressed that a young blonde proper looking girl would choose to buy. Imagine "Chong" of "Cheech and Chong"....that was the guy behind the counter....same type of voice and mannerisms. "you redecorating your room or something, sweetheart?" he asked.....Mac not wanting to get into the whole story cuz I think she's a little creeped out, says "um...yeah" as she's counting out her money. "Cool man!!" he says enthusiastically....like he's just witnessed another innocent being sucked into the "Bob Marley vortex". "What college do you go to?" he asks her. I watch as Mac's face lights up a little....and she smiles....."I'm still in high school". "Ah...right... man...." he says bobbing his head and looks at me "so hard to tell now-a-days with these youngster!". "Yeah" I agree.

On the drive home, Mac happily says "I can't believe he thought I was in college!" And I say "Yeah, I remember when that used to happen to me". And I think back to those days.....when a waitress gave me the wine list when a boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner in 10th grade.....or how I could always fool those Cedar Point workers in their red and blue outfits, at the "guess my age booth". I was so happy to be thought of as older.


But when did that change? Exactly what age was I....22?....25? When did I start wanting looking younger for my age? When did I start getting that urge to kiss the waitress when she asked for my ID? Or hug that stranger who says "I can't believe you have a daughter in college" ?

I can distinctively remember a 3rd grader making a comment on me being old when I was in my early 30's. I was helping in a Sunday school class and had a group of about 6 little girls. "you think I'm old?" I asked her....this was the first time in my life anyone ever called me old....and I was a little shocked. "How old do you think I am?" I asked while looking at all their cute little faces. The first one shouts out "53" and they all take turns shattering my ego....the youngest anyone guessed was "45" and one little snot nosed brat thought I was "70"....oh sorry!

Why is it that when we're young we want to be old and when we get older we want to be younger? Was there ever an age where I was just happy in the "now"? I'm sure it was somewhere in the 20's. I had a nice conversation with my 20 year old daughter, Nae, this morning (who told me that some of her coworkers are reading this blog.....Hello out there in Colorado Springs!!!!.....if you want some dirt on Nae....I take bribes....just don't tell her I said that....she never reads this so I'm safe). Anyways....I'm hoping she is happily living in the "now" at her age. It goes by way too fast.

and one more thing before you go......"peace man"...

Mike's "midlife whatever" ?

The signs are all there.....

First he bought "me" this

see the smile on his face?

That's pure joy. He's been treating "her" like a baby.

The kids are getting jealous. Mac said just last weekend "you like that car more than you like me!"

Then he turned the big 4....0.....

and his "knee gave out" while we were loading boxes. Mac was quick to point out in a sing song kinda way (while laughing hysterically) that now he's 40 and old!!!

so that same day what does he go out and do?

he goes out and gets friendly with this guy....

Hey! Get your hands off my husband!!!

Oh here we go...

anyone notice anything wrong with this picture?

yes Tony's name is spelled wrong and it almost wasn't caught

(thank you Mac....who sat proudly and documented the whole process with pictures)

Checking to make sure it's straight

Mac had two things she wanted to capture with pictures

1. blood

2. pain on Hubby's face

this is as close as she could get.

The finished product

I think it's very nice!!!