Friday, November 20, 2009

If I tell you my weight I may have to kill you

I finally went and got my Illinois drivers license yesterday.

I have obviously been procrastinating. I couldn't anymore.

When I went to Florida with my friend Gigi last month, I got stopped by security because my Michigan drivers license had expired. I hadn't realized it. The nice security guy let me go, but not before letting me hear all about how nice it was of him to do such a thing.

I've only lived in three states, but every Secretary of State office seems the same to me. It's there some kind of law that says the office has to be a dirty, smelly, dreary place. Same thin brown "carpets", same looking counters with the same tired, frustrated, sad looking people sitting behind them.


The woman who waited on me was faded. That seems the best way to describe her. Her hair was a dull dirty blonde, still styled with an 80's poof of bangs. Her posture implied that her job was draining the life out of her. Weary and slumped, she asked me in a monotone voice the questions she must ask hundreds of times a day. I was in a bit of a hurry so I rattled the answers off rather quickly. It was like a tennis match. She lobbed over a question is her tiresome voice. I'd return an answer swiftly.

Back and forth, back and forth we went.

When she asked me my phone number I had to pause for just a second to recall our new home phone number. I never use it (and you know how I am with numbers).

I have a habit of looking at the ceiling when thinking about something, but I pulled the phone number out of my sad little number disabled brain as quickly as I could. The next listless question was tossed at me before I had time to take my eyes off the water stained ceiling tiles that my ADD mind was just finding interesting (they looked like chocolate chip cookies). She was obviously pushing to keep up the speed of the volley. The next question was the Hubs social security number. I actually know his better than mine own but I was still looking up while I rattled it off along with the next couple of questions.

Just as I'm getting my end of the volley back up to speed she slams me with a question I didn't expect. "Your weight please?" This time my pause has nothing to do with not being able to recall the answer. I see that weight on the scale every morning. I just don't want to tell her. I'm not even sure why I don't want to tell her. Maybe I just don't want to say it out loud. If I say it out loud then it becomes real. Like that whole tree falling in the forest saying....

I WAS planning on loosing some weight soon. I don't want THIS weight in my permanent computer file record thingie! I just had a little too much Halloween candy. If I'd known I'd have this in my permanent record, I'd have procrastinated even longer, till I was at my ideal weight (which means I never would get my license).

I could lie....and now I'm having a moral dilemma here. Can a cop give you an extra ticket when he pulls you over for lying about your weight on your drivers license?

Yes these are all the things going through my mind in a very quick few seconds. And I'm still looking at the ceiling....

So I shout out a weight.
Not my real weight (NO I'm not telling you what I told her!)
Yes I lied. And I feel bad.

And she pauses. And pauses. My mind is waiting for the next question. And it doesn't come. And I'm feeling guilty about lying. I peel my eyes off the ceiling and reluctantly look at her.

And she is looking at me. She is looking right into my eyes. Into my soul.
She knows I lied. I can feel it. She is judging me. I can feel that too.

I'm starting to blush. I'm waiting for her to say "Oh come on!!! ___ pounds? Really?"
I'm starting to think of excuses. Like ~well, that's what I usually weigh (before 4 kids, that is)
or ~I'm just retaining water.

I'm starting to sweat.

And she says in her monotone voice "Eye color: Brown.

20 comments:

Daffy said...

Somebody should've told her it is highly impolite and definitely NOT ladylike to ask a woman's weight. Sheesh!

I lied too

blueviolet said...

Oh thank goodness, the stare was for the eye color. You got away with it!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I don't think they ask you that in Texas...or maybe they do, but when I got mine I was 16, and I have completely forgotten those long ago years...

tori said...

the worst part is they print in right on the front of your license! That and the picture they take is huge and it's just of your face!

shortmama said...

I wish I still weighed what my license says!!

Tracie said...

That is so funny!! I don't think they asked me my weight the last time I had my license renewed...I wonder if the guy behind the counter just guessed something and put it down-that could be bad!!

ken said...

Your weight is just fine, you just need a better way of weighting youself.Put your hand on the counter when you step on the scale, do not take your hand off the counter, read the scale now this is your cooorrect weight.
The next time you go into a place like that just "smile and think happy thoughts and everything will go your way". They will think you are crazy.

Deborah said...

They have never asked my weight! My drivers liecense does say the wrong height! When I was 16 1/2 I thought I was too tall so I took of 2 inches... I never did change it! Isn't that funny!

Maya said...

why do they ask your weight? It had to be some kind of trick. Maybe they get out of all the extra paperwork when women refuse to tell. No friggin way people ever tell the truth about that

Mrs. Sarcasm said...

I could go to jail for lying on a government record, as my weight is "grossly" misrepresented on my license. You didn't lie, just as people say you are only as old as you feel. You are only as heavy as you feel. Damn straight... I feel like a skinny bitch!!

rxBambi said...

I'm just curious how many pounds off your real weight is from what you said. I think I'm 15-20lbs off...

otin said...

hahaha! Thank god they don't ask genitalia questions! LMAO!

McGillicutty said...

When we moved to GA they asked our weight and hubby and I both lied by like 20 lbs...him more than me I might add.... then a couple of months ago I had to renew my license and they added 20 lbs on!!!! I didn't see it until I walked out and looked at the licence... by that time I realized it was still 20 lbs under my actual weight now!!! LOL

Kimi @ SoManyKidsSoLittleTime said...

I like to have my "goal weight" on my license. You know like telling the Universe I know I'm gonna do it, lol

Jessica said...

That is awesome. I love the way you told that story. =) Good times.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

I'd have to move out of any state that required that info.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

I can't believe they ask your weight??! that's crazy.

Brian Miller said...

lol. is brown your real eye color or was she making a funny about what you were full of? lol.

Anti-Supermom said...

This is hilarious!

You use to be able to renew your license without going in and doing the whole new license/picture thing and you bet, I hung onto the just out of high school license for as long as I could.

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